The Fabula Rasa

Reference Drawing: http://www.artmotive.com/imagine-dragon-flying1.html

Hello Blog,

I have had several dreams but they were personal so I wasn't sure if it was appropriate to post. I have been getting with my PTSD nightmares. I don't remember than as vividly now and most of the time I forget. Jason was probably right that by suppressing my creative side, a side that I used to cope with my issues, was having a negative affect on me. During middle school I used to read, A LOT, and draw. When I arrived at high school, I started drawing, painting, reading even more to cope with the nightmares. I have not done any of that since getting into college. College was all consuming, especially when I was accepted into the nursing program. I find myself wanting to draw, paint, sketch so much more now, like a compulsion. I would love to take art classes again to develop my skills once more not for professional use but to accurately draw what I want to express. I find that the visions that are still left in me when I awaken, I cannot draw adequately. It is very frustrating. Words cannot explain all the vivid colors and details in my mind.

Well on to last night's dreams:

I was Adam Sandler, weird right?  Wearing white loose clothing and brown soft leather moccasins (?)

Scenery:
I was standing on a mid sized, mostly smooth, round rock not to far from the beach. The beach sand was a nice light peach cream but gritty. The water was a mixture of green and blue that turned to white foam as it gently caressed the sand with each ebb and flow. A baby blue sky with a few faint clouds. The wind headed in the direction of the beach. It was the type of wind that pulled at your clothing but isn't uncomfortable.
Three hazy children were by the water playing with the sand. They seem to be between toddler and preschool.  I only know they were white with brown hair, one was a boy and a girl. The third I couldn't get a clear view.

Story:
I had a purpose on that rock. It was to protect those on the beach by scaring off the ... animals. I would wave, yell and stamp on the rock to scare them away. Looking at where the rock meets the water, I can see small green cartoon looking fish trying to climb on my rock. It had those puffy lips in a circle with round eyes staring at me. Eww. One got on and began to crawl towards me, I had to stomp next to it so it would jump back into the water. Next, were the snakes....one snake got on the rock and it scared the pants off me. This snake was multicolored and shiny. The pattern was black, yellow, purple/pink/red color, yellow, black, yellow, purple/pink/red, etc. It's tongue came out as it faced me and it began to coil itself.

The dream transitioned into me running away from the snake. I was running through a white house with hallways and rooms left and right. I went into a room, closed the door, and stared at the bottom. Where there was barely a gap, it got larger, big enough for the snake to slip its head inside. I smacked its head back and it retracted. It tried again and I kicked it. I began to be desperate. If I put my shirt in the gap it can probably push it and pierce it with its sharp teeth. If I used my leather shoes it would cover small but not all the gap, leaving my feet vulnerable. Finally I looked under the door and saw the freaking snake right in the middle close to the door. It was nicely coiled, head resting on its body tucked in, beady black eyes looking at me and its tongue slithered out....

I forgot the rest of the dream on purpose. I chose to forget about it because I get a gut wrenching dread in me just trying to remember. My heart picks up its pace, my joints feel weak....some things are best left alone.

This picture was inspired from an argument with my mother in which she accused me of being a calculator. Calculator = cold and heartless and logical thinking. This was because I told her instead of thinking with her emotions, to try and use her brain. Some situations require emotions to be put aside and think about the situation with a clear mind. 

ACS did a surprise visit to the house upon hearing lil bro was back in NY. 

Mom ALLOWED him to come back when she knew the younger siblings (lil bro and lil sis) were in hot water with ACS. 

If she was thinking with her MIND, she would have told him: (1) To wait a while before visiting her NY, (2) She will visit him in the country, or (3) have him come to Florida and stay in Uncle house so she can travel there to visit him. 

Being fed up with her selfishness, I didn't give her the sympathy she sought, instead I told her why it happened in the first place. She didn't like being told it was her fault in the first place. (1) She told me to butt out the situation and not to mention it again. Due to this, I threw away all documentation regarding the incident - she called today asking for them. Unjustifiably, she was upset at me for doing so even when I repeated it's what she told me to do - BUTT OUT. (2)  Why allow him back if she knew it would antagonize the situation? (3) She is not following ACS protocol.  (4) She asks for my advice than doesn't follow through with it.  (5) She thought she brushed it under the rug, now her denial and selfishness is coming back to bite her.

Well she pissed me off by calling me call hearted, that I would never understand because I'm not a mother, she just wanted to see him because he's her son, I won't understand anything until I have children....blah blah blah. It's all bullshit justification on her end. It's the crap parents say when they know they are wrong and don't want to be proven wrong. 

Anyways, that is where my inspiration came from for this picture. TAH DAHH!!

Okay Blog, I had the weirdest, oddest sex dream last night. Like dreams, they sometimes make no sense. Yes, I remember my dreams with extreme clarity. I don't make these details up.

Let's describe the fashion that all the people had on. Best way to show an example is Madonna's Vogue performance for the MTV Awards '90. It was 18th century France fashion. I had a daring decolletage showing with a full skirt, adding all the frills and lace to it (even a few bows - eww). My hair was like Madonna, I felt curls going down towards my chest, hiding my chest. It only gave a peek of my cleavage when I moved. The men  were wearing those vest, coats, knee length pants that showed off white stockings and buckled shoes. 




Now off to the events.


It started off as two women (someone else and I) and two men were walking through Co-Op City next to the highway where Checkers is located. As we are walking there is a sexual tension in the air. I am aroused but have not chosen a male to satisfy me. 


The location transformed itself into a garden, the type without flowers and off to the side was a small iron table. We all end up on the floor leaning on our side. While I was leaning to my right, the male across from me was leaning towards his left. His right hand on the groundd in front of him. His right leg crossed his left one. His outfit was in the baby blue tones. The eyes were brown, skin was white, and he had a lean figure. His face was covered in white powder, red cheeks, painted lips, a fake mole on the top left side lip, and a white wig.  This wig curled over his ears but much bigger than the picture shown. He was staring at me, a look that said he wanted to gobble me up. 

I put my left hand on my hip and slipped it into a pocket in my dress. In this pocket.....was the inside of a tampon all bloody with a wrapper around it. I was disgusted that it was in my dress. While I was holding it out in the middle of the circle, the man plucked it from my hand, unwrapped it and started to suck the blood off the tampon!! While he sucked, he kept staring at me intently. I guess he thought this was arousing but boy was it NOT. The man kept sucking as if it was a lollipop.  Than the dream scene changed.

The location changed to being in a mansion. It's walls were a dark gold with brown wood furniture. There is a staircase the leads down into the basement. French glass doors separated the grand room from the hallway. The grand room had wood flooring, gold french glass doors leading to the garden, golden chairs with red leather and .... a bar on the left side. There was a small piece of wall that led from the hallway doors into 1/4 of the room.

 A man followed me into the room (brown hair, brown eyes, lightly tan complexion, lean form, maybe 5'10 feet). He than pushed me onto the wall. Our bodies pressed together. We began kissing, our tongues stroked one another. My skirt was slowly being lifted, when I was free I wrapped my legs around his waist. My arms went from around his neck to ... magically a trapeze appeared for me to grab on (Thick rope attached to the ceiling that led to a triangle that I could grab by raising my arms above my head). Underwear also disappeared and he thrust inside of me. I moaned at how deeply he felt inside of me.

A few minutes later I began to hear people walking down the stairs, continuing on with the wall screwing I waited until the last moment they could possibly see us before dis entangling myself from him. I just arrived in the hallway when two men arrived, different from the other two earlier but same style of dress. In my head I said to hell with it, I want to keep screwing, if they watch they watch. Went back into the room where the man and I fondled each other but he didn't want to have sex anymore. Leaving him I went back into the hallway and the dream took the oddest turn EVER.

As I arrived in the hallway I knew I HAD to get off the floor. There was a worm like mass underneath the floor that can sense my movements through direct contact. Jumping onto a stringy woolly rug, I used a piece of wood to push myself towards the stairs. The bump on the floor kept circling me, waiting to grab me at any second. Finally making it to the stairs I ran up only to encounter a hallway that became a river of weirdness.








There were two pillars in the hallway river. The river itself was purple sluggish goo that contained hypnotizing black and white swirls, dots, and lightly dark orange curvy things. There was a cartoon monster with a bulbous head. Its eyes were round, its mouth open wide ready to it me, teeth that were rounded. I was swimming in the goo trying to get away from it. Kept getting distracted by the swirls and the pull of the river. Woke up still running away from the monster.

**Make the big monster smiling my accident, suppose to be upside down. Still learning to draw**

There were three separate dreams that transitioned into one another.

1 - there were two people, a man and a woman, with tan skin and white hair. Each had a brown cloak. Both were standing on grass with white coarse rock around them. They were in a valley with it's wall cut out like steps. In this valley was a city made of white rock. The two people were together when they faced a vision, a woman with brown hair in a plain soft looking gown, floating and moving to a breeze the others did not feel. She told them to run, run hard and fast. That they only had three minutes to get out. The man and woman packed brown leather bags which took them two minutes. The lady vision appeared again and said to forget the bags, RUN! A horse, its mane and coat white, appeared. The man climbed bareback onto the horse, pulling the woman behind him. They raced towards the dense forest and I sensed why we had to run. An atomic bomb, like the disaster of Hiroshima and Nagasaki, was upon them.








2 - The vision than changed. First let me explain the room. Three walls contain three arches. Out of the three, two have walls have faces on all the arches. The wall where I am standing has old armor between each arch. Each armor has a plume on their heads and where holding a spear. On the far wall where I was looking were two floor to ceiling windows in gold. All the furniture and arches were made of dark wood. There was a table in the far back wall containing books, the left table contained papers. The middle table was the worst. There was a puppet sitting there with a hat in straw facing a table that contained a globe on top. It's clothes were also dark. While light was pouring in from the windows, the room was still gloomy. Each space in the arch on the walls was pitch black.

I was child standing on the left of the three arches that faced the room. My right hand was touching the beam of the arch. A group of children ran ahead into the room but I held back in fear. I remember clearly a small blond hair white child disappearing into the last arch on the right side. Yelling out "No, I won't go in. I won't," the puppet slowly turned its head towards me, never moving his body. It terrified me even more and I ran backwards.






















3 - I ran into a white still gloomy hallway that veers right. I stopped. Never looking anywhere but down my chest, I saw through my peripheral a room with things inside. It was something white and red. A white Persian cat slinking towards my left leg. Than I went completely petrified....a deep terror, and I am not kidding, a soul wrenching terror entered me. I could feel my neck pulse bounding away, small tremors running through me and still I could not move. The cat suddenly climbed on it's back feet and sunk its front claws into my leg all while smiling.......a maniac evil smile like a cartoon.  Mix the chesire cat from alice in wonderland with a persian and add a dose of pure evil.

I start to feel like I'm on choking in fear...I still couldn't wake up. It started climbing and climbing until it reach my stomach. Saying again, "No, I won't" the cat replies, "You won't leave me."  The cat starts clawing into my stomach, shredding it six claws, three on each paw making deep grooves/lacerations on my stomach. Blood starts to pour from wounds, staining my white shirt. I could see the layer of fat attached to the skin between each cut. When the cat stops I could finally move and push the cat away. The cat converted itself into a demon, a lizard looking one which started to wind around upwards on my right arm. It lightly touched it's head to my jaw, anchoring its two front legs on my shoulder and it slithered. I felt the breeze of its tongue.........than I woke up.

Recently I dreamed I was in a forest. There was an open space in the forest, flat brown dirt. The space was in the shape of an oval with a "road" leading in. At the point where the road met the space, light filtered from the trees in a halo.

I was a knight on a white horse holding a spear and a shield. My face armor was pointy in the middle, like those seen in Beauty and the Beast.


I knew I had to survive for as long as I can and they will come in "rounds." Each round getting bigger and bigger.

First two goblins arrived holding full length shields. They had a head armor with the face shield up, a red feather on top that glistened gold in the light.

The goblins were ugly. No smooth skin, just bumpy dark gray skin with a hooked beak nose and ears that stuck out like elves. Their hands were clawed. Each standing straight and walking in unison.

I ran to them and struck them down with my spear than pulled back. I looked an the dead goblin's bodies were gone, in its place, six goblins arrived dressed the same way. Two rows, three goblins each. I got pushed back to the middle of the clearing. After trying them down, I ran towards the entrance again.

This time their were three marching goblins but two goblins on horses galloping towards me with their spears pointed. The spears on the right arm and smaller shield on the left. I ran the horse towards the end of the circle and knew I met my end. The two goblins struck me down. One face stayed, a goblin just laughing and laughing evilly.


This is an image of a similar face structure that was in my dream.

In the first dream a young woman gave me a golden straight haired child, a boy, to take care of. He looked to be about 2-3 years old. 


Days turned into weeks and she still never came back for her child. I called the police and the operator said they'll be there soon. When they arrived, it was two police women. One was Hispanic looking, brown hair in a bun with brown eyes and tanned complexion. I told them, "It's been two and a half weeks since she gave me the child. He is like a son to me now. The mother renounces her daughter and the daughter renounces her son. She will not acknowledge him." 


Scene changes. The grandmother of this child berates her daughter for leaving her son, for not accepting him.


He never left my arms when speaking about the child. His name stayed with me, Issaic. 


"She lives within six blocks of Washington Heights." The police women went to look for the mother.....


I felt a deep love for this child and didn't want to give him up. The dream changed but this scene stayed with me hours after I awakened.