The Fabula Rasa

Still dreaming every night but hoping kicking my own butt at the gym will decrease my stress to get these dreams under control.

Hit the gym today tired but determined to get the work in. Hoping lunch the sun shines so I can workout during that time. Weighed myself today and I'm 172. Yuck. I get I'm weight training so it's time to cut. The weights today on my maximum felt easier to do. I didn't need a break doing half sets on my max. This time I was able to do max weight straights. After three years with two year focus on serious lifting let's see my numbers.


Bent Over Two-Dumbbell Row: 60lbs

Underhand Pullups or Lat Pulldown: Assist machine set to 150lbs. Learning to activate my muscles and stop elbow tendon snapping.

Standing Barbell Curl: 10lbs break set

Dumbbell Alternate Bicep Curl: 7.5lbs

cable seated row: 40lbs

seated rows machine: 35lbs

Overhead press w/ & w/o squats: 10lbs

Planks: 15secs

Did other body weight exercises to tone up using TRX and resistance bands.

High incline treadmill with Sprint runs in flat ground. Exercise Bike to good music.

Now I'm off to class for 8hr brain pounding session. Hopefully I won't be traumatized from all the info same get some decent sleep.

PS: I have EDS hypermobile and don't let that stop me from accomplishing my goals. Just do it safe and know your limits. Joints don't feel the same day to day, even sometimes within a few hours.

Last night was a little rough. The dreams have started coming back. Guess my stressed levels are rising again. Started waking up before my alarm rings.

I'm trapped in a mountain edge/cliff of dense first. I can clearly see the roots of the trees and the moist earth of recent rain water. Shrubbery and leaves sporadically cover the ground making pathways unclear on how to safely descend. All I know is that to my right is a clear view through the trees of a sheer drop and open air with other mountains in the distant.

Somehow I'm inside a vehicle which I maneuver through the gaps of the trees, slowly working my way down to the edge in a zip zag pattern. The mountain side is too sheer to safely head straight down.

Once I reach the edge, clambering it off the vehicle, I  breath in the cross clean air and briefly admire the valley and mountains when I notice a ledge beneath that seems to have a flattened path. I roped a suitable rock and gently lowered myself to the protruding ledge.

Sighing, the dirt path curves to my left with a small patch of open grass leading to forest. In the boundary of that forest happens to be a black bear catching sight of me. It perks up, begins to canter than outright runs towards me. Having a gut feeling that catching me means death I hustle back towards the edge of the cliff, throw my pick axe with an attached rope and from a different perspective, I see my pickaxe scraping the dirt hoping to catch purchase. I never did get to see the end, only left with the feeling of fear more of the bear and secondary of the fall.

Hello Blogger!!

It has been a while since I have been here. So much has changed in my life. I have been asked by friends and family members to write about my experience with my illnesses and to share information to those that may stumble on here about these conditions. Truth be told, I'm not so much of a writer. I'm more of the doodle and read a good book type. How does one even start a blog? How do you make it look so fancy? Meh, I rather put that energy somewhere else for right now. I'll stick with simple text and tell you my story as time goes on.


I started my new job this week!! I'm an OR nurse now in eye surgery. I had to transfer from my love of orthopedics because I had arm surgery three months ago. Those trays and equipment are just too heavy for me to lift and manage right now. Regardless, arthritis pains love to hit me at random moments and at multiple joints which makes working there difficult with my moodwing changing mobility. The trays in eye surgery are so small to what I'm used to at my old place. The atmosphere is also the opposite - blasting barbeque hip-hop, country or old school rock music in the OR with boisterous surgeons to now dead silence and delicate movements. Good vibes so far from the place and everyone is nice.

When I was recovering from my hip, knees and arms during my three month hiatus from work I swore I was going to get back into the gym as I was doing before I lost my strength and mobility. Well, I have kept that promise to myself. Woke up at 4AM, hit the gym 5AM on Monday, May 14th (work starts at 7AM) and did a simple 10 min use of each machine - elevated treadmill, stepper and spinning bike and really stretched myself out. Oh, I have EDS - hypermobile version!! I'm super sensitive to joint pressure and body mechanics. I took my time stretching and put the foam roller to good use both the simple foam and bumpy one for deep tissue massage. My IT band hated me but loved me a little more afterwards.

I was grateful for my preparations I did the evening before the first day. Got my breakfast and lunch in tubbies ready to go with my gym bag set. Some melatonin helped me snuggle to sleep with an eye mask to make sure I get that 7 - 8 hr sleep. I swear the older I get the more sleep I need. In high school I could function on 4 hours of sleep. College went to 6 hours and now I'm around the 8 hour mark. If I don't get that sleep I feel run down for the rest of the day and working out would be dangerous as I may not pay close attention to my form.


Second day I felt okay to do some strength training so I started with my exercise sheet I was doing before my hiatus:

Warm up: 10 mins elevated treadmill and 10 mins spinning bike. Stretch.

* Set: 10-12 reps. I also go from lightest to heaviest weight on my sets. I kept getting frequently injured with my joints from going heaviest to lightest. I have responded better in my exercise doing my sets this way and using resistance band exercises.

Bent over two dumbbell row: 1 set 2 lbs, 2 sets 4lbs. That's a big hit with how much I used to lift about 20lbs.

Underhand Pullups: Two rep. My arms can't handle the weight yet. On the assist machine set on max I could have done two sets before the surgery. When I get the chance I want to use the cable crossover machine (not sure of the official name) to do the pulldowns as a substitutions. I could adjust the arms and tension while performing the same motion.

Standing barbell curl: 1 set 2lbs, 2 sets 4lbs. Used to do about 7.5 - 10 lbs. Some exercises required more forearm strength that what I had at the time. Hence the radian and median decompression and wrist scope surgeries. I'm sure I will be able to do original weight and more with time.

Dumbbell alternative bicep curl: 1 set 2lbs, 1 set 4 lbs. Arms were getting tired.

Cable seated row: 1 set 10lbs, 1 set 20lbs, 1 set 30 lbs. Pre surgery 50lbs. Not bad for initial go but still feel that knot in my scapula area between shoulder blades I need to rub out.

Twisties: I take a light bar behind my upper back, squeeze my core and just twist my upper body side to side. Did two set of 50 rep.

Wasn't able to do all the exercises I wanted for bicep and back because time ran out. I used to do 15 mins pre stretch/foam roll, 15 mins cardio warm up, an hour of strength training (take so long because I maintain slow controlled movements to protect my joints and minimize injuries), 15 mins foam roll/stretch, and 15 mins shower. I will have to practice and plan my time management to maximize my time here. Grabbed my gear and ran to work after the shower. Ate my homemade bread and a protein shake.

Red 5 lbs, gray 4 lbs, pink 2 lbs

 Hello BlogSpot. It sure has been a while. The nightmares continue to occur and finally I cannot sleep anymore. Hubby suggested writing them out again to see if it helps with my sleep. Since last's night dream was so clear I decided to write it out the best I can. PS: None of the images are mine. They are showing to give you a better idea of my dream.

The dream started out with the my view facing out a ditch/cave. The scheme is in dark tones - creams/grays/blacks. All the colors are muted. There was a middle aged little man/dwarf (sandy blond hair cut short with cream skin and dirty) sitting on the right with has hands tied behind his back kneeling 2 feet from the entrance against the wall. On the left, inlaid in the wall, was a door to somewhere unknown. This door has a big star in the middle with small designs on the edge. Looking beyond the ditch/cave, there is a brown/dead grass hill. The sky very gray with a hint of blue.

The next scene shows a little woman/dwarf sitting slightly over the door with a "talisman," an exact copy of the door handing from her neck as a necklace. Her hands are tied behind her back. She is  middle aged with the same complexion has the little man. Her eyes were brown. Her dirty gray/blue ankle length dress was linen cloth with an old peasant style cut. She hears the man's steps has he walks over the hill. She is absoluetly frightened, stands on her feet and behinds to slam her shoulder into the door with no avail. Giving up, she runs out of the cave.



While running, she looks back at the man. Her eyes wide open with her wavy hair covering the bottom of her face. The man is cloaked in all shades of gray. The hood covering half his face. His hands have a cream complexion which she notices him playing with a serrated throwing disk. The man notices the little woman running and throws one of the disks towards her. It hits her right below her diaphragm and she skids to the side of my old private house. Kneeling down, her rapid thoughts were, "I'm still alive. Crap, I have to play dead....Dammit I cant slow down my breathing. If he picks me up, he is going to notice me hyperventilating. Okay, in and out, in and out, in...it's not working."

She runs to the to the front of the building, testing the door, she finds it locked. "No point in yelling." Running the the building next door, she rings the door bell and tests the front door. "It's...open?" Going inside, she locks the front door, stairs are in front of her leading to apartment 2 and 3. She chooses walk down the little hallway on her right and enter the first floor apartment. As she was about to knock, she notices white door with a golden knob open....She opens the door slowly, and sees the kitchen and walls covered in blood. Taking a step inside, in the living room on her left she sees a regular sized woman with brown hair covered in blood, hung by a hang mans noose from the ceiling. "Oh my God, he got here already." She runs up to the second floor apartment, also covered in blood, runs to the back of the apartment (master bedroom on left and bedroom on right) jumps out from the bedroom window on the left. Jumping to the grown from the wall rail, she runs back into the woods in the opposite direction of where she came from.

The dreams changes into a regular sized woman with cream complexion and brown hair/eyes (maybe the one that was found hung) running from a man chasing her. The man is Caucasian with brown eyes/hair with height of 5 feet 10ish. She turns around to face the man. The man smiles and reaches back with the knife on his right hand, ready to stab her her dead. As he comes down the strike, she shoves at this right shoulder and sloppily slashes his neck with her left hand She slashes back and fort 4 times. Than, she runs...

Running, she sees a white projects building. The walls are simple, white squares with the crevices painted black. Going to the side, another man runs behind her. He gets near her fast enough to strike with his right hand. She is forced to hold his hand with both her hands never dropping the knife from her right hand. In a desperate effort she slashes his neck but the cut was too shallow. The man grins and as he gets ready to attack her, a man with an evil aura comes up behind him and starts cutting his neck from behind. The man has a very pale complexion with white straight hair. His eyes are brown/red. As he dissects the man's neck, he grins at me. Pure evil is in that grin. The body drops and he comes for me.

The pale man is dressed with a white cloak, shirt and shoes. Something out of Lord of the Rings type. The borders embroidered in gold patterns. His hood is down, and I notice his gold circlet on his head. He is tall, approximately six feet.  He has a curved blade on his left hand. The blade has a white hand and the blade is white metal. It is about 1.5 feet long and slightly curved. The inside of the curve is dull but the outside curve is deadly sharp.  He raises the blade and I quickly grab his neck with my right hand and squeeze as hard as I can. The pale man simply grins and begins to slide my wrist fast and shallow to torture me. In so much pain, I pull the knife into my left hand and slice his neck but all he does is keep cutting and grinning. I shove him and run away. He lets me go...he has left his mark on me.

Running around the building, I encountered another man in front of me. Tired I see the walls of the building are climbable. I start to climb and the man begins to follow me. Interesting, where are all the women? Exhausted, I heave over to the roof and stay on the floor. The man climbs onto the roof and spots me. Shakily climbing to my feet, bone weary, I mentally prepare myself for possible defeat. Thinking I was still shaking, I couldn't quite believe my luck as the building starts to tilt to my right. I ran to the left and that freaking man won't stop chasing me. Running down the side of the building, I somehow make it to the bottom with the man nowhere in sight. "Whew..." I noticed a group sitting on the ground in a circle. All were men and one woman. Sitting across from the woman, I was given a red book with gold lettering on the front and brown lettering on the pages. I was able to read the book, it seemed the book was about the history of a country in the form of a poem and Greek root words. Hearing the group, I was able to gather there were clans and each were at war with one another, all trying to "win."

Win what? What started this war? Who was that pale man? How are the clans able to identify one another? Question after question running running through my mind. None were answered as my hubby decided at that moment to wake me up.
                    
                                                                                    END

Reference Drawing: http://www.artmotive.com/imagine-dragon-flying1.html

Hello Blog,

I have had several dreams but they were personal so I wasn't sure if it was appropriate to post. I have been getting with my PTSD nightmares. I don't remember than as vividly now and most of the time I forget. Jason was probably right that by suppressing my creative side, a side that I used to cope with my issues, was having a negative affect on me. During middle school I used to read, A LOT, and draw. When I arrived at high school, I started drawing, painting, reading even more to cope with the nightmares. I have not done any of that since getting into college. College was all consuming, especially when I was accepted into the nursing program. I find myself wanting to draw, paint, sketch so much more now, like a compulsion. I would love to take art classes again to develop my skills once more not for professional use but to accurately draw what I want to express. I find that the visions that are still left in me when I awaken, I cannot draw adequately. It is very frustrating. Words cannot explain all the vivid colors and details in my mind.

Well on to last night's dreams:

I was Adam Sandler, weird right?  Wearing white loose clothing and brown soft leather moccasins (?)

Scenery:
I was standing on a mid sized, mostly smooth, round rock not to far from the beach. The beach sand was a nice light peach cream but gritty. The water was a mixture of green and blue that turned to white foam as it gently caressed the sand with each ebb and flow. A baby blue sky with a few faint clouds. The wind headed in the direction of the beach. It was the type of wind that pulled at your clothing but isn't uncomfortable.
Three hazy children were by the water playing with the sand. They seem to be between toddler and preschool.  I only know they were white with brown hair, one was a boy and a girl. The third I couldn't get a clear view.

Story:
I had a purpose on that rock. It was to protect those on the beach by scaring off the ... animals. I would wave, yell and stamp on the rock to scare them away. Looking at where the rock meets the water, I can see small green cartoon looking fish trying to climb on my rock. It had those puffy lips in a circle with round eyes staring at me. Eww. One got on and began to crawl towards me, I had to stomp next to it so it would jump back into the water. Next, were the snakes....one snake got on the rock and it scared the pants off me. This snake was multicolored and shiny. The pattern was black, yellow, purple/pink/red color, yellow, black, yellow, purple/pink/red, etc. It's tongue came out as it faced me and it began to coil itself.

The dream transitioned into me running away from the snake. I was running through a white house with hallways and rooms left and right. I went into a room, closed the door, and stared at the bottom. Where there was barely a gap, it got larger, big enough for the snake to slip its head inside. I smacked its head back and it retracted. It tried again and I kicked it. I began to be desperate. If I put my shirt in the gap it can probably push it and pierce it with its sharp teeth. If I used my leather shoes it would cover small but not all the gap, leaving my feet vulnerable. Finally I looked under the door and saw the freaking snake right in the middle close to the door. It was nicely coiled, head resting on its body tucked in, beady black eyes looking at me and its tongue slithered out....

I forgot the rest of the dream on purpose. I chose to forget about it because I get a gut wrenching dread in me just trying to remember. My heart picks up its pace, my joints feel weak....some things are best left alone.

This picture was inspired from an argument with my mother in which she accused me of being a calculator. Calculator = cold and heartless and logical thinking. This was because I told her instead of thinking with her emotions, to try and use her brain. Some situations require emotions to be put aside and think about the situation with a clear mind. 

ACS did a surprise visit to the house upon hearing lil bro was back in NY. 

Mom ALLOWED him to come back when she knew the younger siblings (lil bro and lil sis) were in hot water with ACS. 

If she was thinking with her MIND, she would have told him: (1) To wait a while before visiting her NY, (2) She will visit him in the country, or (3) have him come to Florida and stay in Uncle house so she can travel there to visit him. 

Being fed up with her selfishness, I didn't give her the sympathy she sought, instead I told her why it happened in the first place. She didn't like being told it was her fault in the first place. (1) She told me to butt out the situation and not to mention it again. Due to this, I threw away all documentation regarding the incident - she called today asking for them. Unjustifiably, she was upset at me for doing so even when I repeated it's what she told me to do - BUTT OUT. (2)  Why allow him back if she knew it would antagonize the situation? (3) She is not following ACS protocol.  (4) She asks for my advice than doesn't follow through with it.  (5) She thought she brushed it under the rug, now her denial and selfishness is coming back to bite her.

Well she pissed me off by calling me call hearted, that I would never understand because I'm not a mother, she just wanted to see him because he's her son, I won't understand anything until I have children....blah blah blah. It's all bullshit justification on her end. It's the crap parents say when they know they are wrong and don't want to be proven wrong. 

Anyways, that is where my inspiration came from for this picture. TAH DAHH!!