So last night's dream was me essentially fighting an enemy but that enemy was able to control my movements. It was set in a landscape of rolling green hills with rocky gray outcrops and blue sky. Everyone seemed oblivious to it except me. The black dressed ghostly army leader didn't want to destroy our group at this time so he (yes, the entity felt male) encompassed out group in a black shroud while his army moved around us. It guided us to a location where he started interrogating us on our fears. It even sliced my fingertips to pry the information out of me.......
It led me later today to reflect on the dreams message and it hit me right at this moment. Pain. Pain is something I live with EVERY single day for as long as I can remember with it getting worse hitting puberty. It has influenced or outright controlled my life. Unless you experienced it yourself, how do you describe the profound effect of constant pain? The feeling? The effect on your daily life? Sometimes .... it is a sharp pain, a deep ache, a mild discomfort with one of the worse a grinding kind of pain? Sometimes it is all of them at once... and every joint. Where even a mild injury can be a lifelong companion. I'm one of the lucky ones where at least I do not dislocate my joints but damn sure if it hasn't almost happened to me once or twice.
A perfect example where I have to be constantly vigilant is climbing the stairs. Actually pay attention to the mechanics the next time you climb the stairs. I actually climb the stairs at a slowish pace to make sure I'm using the correct muscles and alignment. Start with placing that foot on the step. Where is most of your weight? Is your knee at a 90 degree - with the knee not beyond your ankle? Start shifting your weight to climb the step. Did you lean forward or backwards? Is your knee past your ankle? Is your foot completely straight or angled off? All these little things make a difference in preventing injury. Yes, it may seem overzealous to the uninvited members of the EDS club but a simple slight change in body mechanics can mean pulling my knee or my hip with.
I've been feeling myself bottling my emotions especially rage. Rage for multiple reasons, one of which why do I have to live with pain every day so little to no relief? Having so many allergies and intolerances... I actually am outright allergic or so hypersensitive to opiods for pain management. I've had anaphylaxis with Vicodin, Valium, Toradol, Morphine, and Excedrin Tension Headache. Even Tramadol caused me to struggle breathing. I felt a weight on my chest (wasn't drowsy and fully awake to voice my concern) so off the med they took me and nebulizers asap given to me. Good days are mild aches that I can ignore going about my usual day. Bad days is when every part of my body aches especially with my hips and knees shrieking.
One of the things that piss me off Disability. It is pure ignorance on those in the deciding committee that EDS was not a qualifier. If those who made that decision were personally or had family affected by EDS, how many would suddenly change their minds? Would they actually be able to hand a week's worth of our pain? Of our daily body mechanic awareness?
A couple of website cite similar information about EDS and Disability:::
"Please note that while the listings for arthritic and connective tissue disease under Immune System (Listing 14.00) appear to be applicable to EDS, Social Security has clarified that they DO NOT apply to EDS because EDS is a genetic disorder, not an immune system disorder."
Well, all I can say is FUCK YOU.
PS: If I look tired that because I usually am. At the end of the day my knees and hips are usually really aching.
Why didn't I listen to my husband about watching Spawn? Cartoon killer sadist clowns.....oh the fun I had last night with those dreams.
Well, nothing like a cup for tea for a pep up except trying this new one smelled like pegao. It was a something imperial white tea that was grass looking. It was definitely not my favorite but bottoms up.
Bench Press 45lbs aka bar only
Incline Flyes 10lbs
Seated Dumbbell Press 12.5lbs
Dumbbell Side Laterals 5lbs
Triceps Extension 5lbs dumbbells
Bench Dips with bent knees
cable tricep pull with rope
Dumbell hold 45degrees double and single lifts to shoulder height
band elbow at waist to lateral side
band elbow at waist to stomach
Excalibur band pull
band clock pull apart horizontal and diagonal
arms straight overhead bounce back on wall
band reverse butterfly
All good fun for today!!
Post my knees are a little achy and my hips are tight. Goal is to do an obstacle goal by next year. It's taken me three years to get to my current shape. Have to work on my crap core strength.
Still dreaming every night but hoping kicking my own butt at the gym will decrease my stress to get these dreams under control.
Hit the gym today tired but determined to get the work in. Hoping lunch the sun shines so I can workout during that time. Weighed myself today and I'm 172. Yuck. I get I'm weight training so it's time to cut. The weights today on my maximum felt easier to do. I didn't need a break doing half sets on my max. This time I was able to do max weight straights. After three years with two year focus on serious lifting let's see my numbers.
Bent Over Two-Dumbbell Row: 60lbs
Underhand Pullups or Lat Pulldown: Assist machine set to 150lbs. Learning to activate my muscles and stop elbow tendon snapping.
Standing Barbell Curl: 10lbs break set
Dumbbell Alternate Bicep Curl: 7.5lbs
cable seated row: 40lbs
seated rows machine: 35lbs
Overhead press w/ & w/o squats: 10lbs
Planks: 15secs
Did other body weight exercises to tone up using TRX and resistance bands.
High incline treadmill with Sprint runs in flat ground. Exercise Bike to good music.
Now I'm off to class for 8hr brain pounding session. Hopefully I won't be traumatized from all the info same get some decent sleep.
PS: I have EDS hypermobile and don't let that stop me from accomplishing my goals. Just do it safe and know your limits. Joints don't feel the same day to day, even sometimes within a few hours.
Last night was a little rough. The dreams have started coming back. Guess my stressed levels are rising again. Started waking up before my alarm rings.
I'm trapped in a mountain edge/cliff of dense first. I can clearly see the roots of the trees and the moist earth of recent rain water. Shrubbery and leaves sporadically cover the ground making pathways unclear on how to safely descend. All I know is that to my right is a clear view through the trees of a sheer drop and open air with other mountains in the distant.
Somehow I'm inside a vehicle which I maneuver through the gaps of the trees, slowly working my way down to the edge in a zip zag pattern. The mountain side is too sheer to safely head straight down.
Once I reach the edge, clambering it off the vehicle, I breath in the cross clean air and briefly admire the valley and mountains when I notice a ledge beneath that seems to have a flattened path. I roped a suitable rock and gently lowered myself to the protruding ledge.
Sighing, the dirt path curves to my left with a small patch of open grass leading to forest. In the boundary of that forest happens to be a black bear catching sight of me. It perks up, begins to canter than outright runs towards me. Having a gut feeling that catching me means death I hustle back towards the edge of the cliff, throw my pick axe with an attached rope and from a different perspective, I see my pickaxe scraping the dirt hoping to catch purchase. I never did get to see the end, only left with the feeling of fear more of the bear and secondary of the fall.
